I AM IN LOVE WITH MY COLLEAGUE

Dear Gusty,

I’ll get right to it: I work in an office with around 35 employees , I am so deeply in love with my colleague . She works in another department. I never talked to anybody about it. We have been friends for a number of years; she is one of the most amazing, beautiful, intelligent people I have ever met.

 When I’m around her, I feel totally alive, completely engaged and incredibly connected to her. I have  worked on sublimating all this into a warm and wonderful friendship, but it’s becoming more and more of a strain not to just come out and tell her I love her.

If I were to do that, I don’t know how she will take it. Gusty I’m not entirely clear what I would want by telling her I love her, but I think I just need for her to know that I have these incredible feelings. I want her to know that I am her friend, but also that I truly love her as a woman.

Writing it down has made it all seem so tawdry and just kind of pathetic, but here I am sitting with these same feelings, about to burst with the intensity of it all. I just wonder what she would say, how it would affect our relationship and if it even makes sense at all to do it.

I can envision a scenario where she looks at me shocked and concerned before politely telling me that we shouldn't be friends anymore. Of course that would break my heart and I would regret having told her anything at all. I can also envision, though, an outcome where she looks at me and says something like, “You know, I love you too. We just can’t do anything about that except be friends.” I could definitely live with that and maybe the intensity of these feelings would lessen enough to be comfortable.

So, does it make any sense to tell her, or should I just keep transmuting these feelings into an incredible friendship and hope for the best?

However, there is also something serious, I am married. I love my wife very much and would never do anything to hurt her. I think there is some guilt on my conscience over the feelings I have for my colleague, and this is not something I can talk with my wife about. I fear she would be terribly hurt, and rightly so. I just feel trapped by all this and sometimes wonder if I’m not just a bit crazy.

RESPONSE

I think it may be OK to remain friends with her as long as you can act responsibly. With a bit of diplomacy, you can handle this in a way that preserves your friendship. However, there is no need telling her how you feel. I think you should keep it to yourself. All this can do is lead to disaster. 

Nobody has any intention of ruining their relationships when these things start, but nine times out of ten they WILL if they pursue this self-serving route.

If you think you have no intention of wrecking what you have ‘MARRIAGE’. Then that is a big lie. The fantasy that you can leave and find true love, or at least have a great affair is no guarantee. 

JUST STAY WITH YOUR WIFE AND LOVE HER, THIS IS JUST A STAGE IN YOUR LIFE.

.