By: Sarah Speiser
You trust your partner. Honestly, you
do. But there’s one little thing that drives you crazy: his female friend.
Their friendship is platonic—hell, she even has a boyfriend—but you’re just not
comfortable with it. You feel petty, especially because he’s assured you that
there’s nothing going on, but you can’t shake the feeling that irks you.
And while it’s absolutely normal to
feel a twinge of anxiety about your partner spending time with an opposite-sex
friend—more than half of you readers will admit that you can't relax if you
suspect your partner is with someone else—maintaining opposite sex
friendships can be problematic for couples if they’re not handled delicately,
according to Beverly Hills-based psychoanalyst Bethany Marshall, Ph.D. Here’s
how to deal when your guy has a female friend:
ID your fear. To start, ask yourself what their friendship means to you.
“Sorting out the source of your anxiety will give you a plan of action,” says
Marshall. Why are you annoyed? Do you suspect there’s a mutual attraction? Does
their friendship fill a void in your relationship? Or is there an underlying
reason you haven’t addressed? “My dad cheated on my mom and I’ve always had a
problem trusting men,” says Cathy, 28, from Boston, Mass. “When I met my
boyfriend, it took me a long time to accept his best friend who is a woman.
When I got to know her, I realized my jealousy actually stemmed from my
unresolved feelings toward my dad.” The key is to make sure you can
differentiate between a situation that just bugs you (Is it worth busting up
his 10-year-old friendship?) and one that makes you miserable (Do you distrust
him or her?).
Review the evidence. “Relationships are special in part because a couple shares
exclusive commodities,” says Marshall. “It’s usually the three big ones: sex,
time and money. If he’s suddenly sharing one of these things with her, that
could be a sign that something deeper is going on.” For example, are they
affectionate with each other? Does he make time for her that could be spent
with you, say, on Saturday night? Does he spend money on her? “Whenever my
boyfriend had dinner with a certain female friend, he always picked up the
tab,” says Judy from New York City. “We shared a bank account so it felt like I
was, in part, funding their dinners, and it seemed like a protective gesture on
his part—something a boyfriend would do. In time, I realized there was
something going on and we didn’t last long.”
Also, asses whether their relationship
contains an element of mystery. If you discover, a week after the fact, that
she was at the same bar as him, he may have tried to conceal that information.
Or if he never includes you in their plans, he may be worried that their
chemistry will be off-the-charts obvious. Either way, a serious conversation is
in order.
Get some perspective. It’s important to acknowledge what type of guy you’re with. If his
posse has always been female-heavy or he comes from a family dominated by
women, he may just relate better to the opposite sex. “My boyfriend grew up
without a father and has two sisters,” says Megan. “His best friend is a woman
and when we’re all together, you can see how platonic their bond is. It just
took me a while to see that.” However, if he’s naturally a thrill-seeker, the
friendship may give him an ego-boost—which could mean that he’s looking outside
the relationship to feel validated. “If you can’t think clearly, consult your
sibling or some well-intentioned friends—preferably those in healthy
relationships—for their objective opinions,” suggests Marshall.
Confront the issue. “Remember, this is an opportunity to problem-solve together,” says
Marshall. Start by telling him that the idea of him spending his time with
another woman makes you uneasy, and then explain why. And be specific. Say
something like, “When you make plans with Beth on Saturday night, it makes me
feel like you don’t prioritize our time together.” Then pause and let him
explain. “A good partner has your total welfare in mind when listening to
you,” notes Marshall. “This means he’ll empathize with your feelings, yet
refuse to cater to requests that are irrational. You will always walk away
from conversations feeling understood.” It’s also important to give him
the opportunity to hear him out—if there is a problem in the relationship, be
open to hearing it.
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