Mon Voyage à Abidjan

By: Ada

It's really annoying when you are trying to catch a flight and the immigration officer is joking on duty. The major thing when you are travelling is getting to the airport on time, check in your luggage, get your boarding pass, check with immigration and security; then board your flight.  This system might seem simple but in my darling and lovely country Nigeria, it has a little annoying twist with the way airport officials handle their duty especially when mother nature calls your buttocks to heaven.

I had just checked in my luggage and collected my boarding pass without any hassle but what was left was checking with immigration and security. As I headed to their section , from a glance I sighted a middle aged man, probably in his forties, the man was all smiles. The way he was staring at the young lady in front of me was as if he was about to win a lottery. Without any iota of shame, this man was cleverly wooing  the young girl just in front of me, their sight was really appalling. The worst part is the long queue they created. How can people be this stupid! I guess the only option I had was to simply ignore them "love birds in the airport" and move to where his other colleague was .

 The next immigration officer was quite friendly, but my mind was really preoccupied. Madam this one you no dey smile! Abeg buy credit for me na , even if na N200. I was not shocked, this is simply their stock in trade, they always ask passengers for money but they always do it jokingly; or they say things like "anything for us  or na weekend oooo". I am so conversant with that statement. It only makes me smile when I hear it now.

Where are you travelling to? Abidjan. Ok I can see that. My colleague will stamp your passport. I replied frantically; which of your colleague? What rubbish !!!!! How can I be waiting for this man when he is still busy collecting the young lady's number "Lord have mercy, which kind nonsense be this? This guy no Know say people dey wait for am? My stomach just kept rumbling and I had started polluting seriously, I pity the person wey dey my back. I can honestly perceive the foul smell, trust me it was bad.

Oga abeg stamp my passport I wan shit "Please sir stamp my passport i want to use the toilet" " OH MY GOD" , I honestly can't believe those words just came out from mouth. Immediately I said it everyone around me just started laughing, but trust me that was the least of my concern, I just needed to see the white house at all cost.

Madam abeg come before you explode for here! As I gave him my passport, all he could mumble out of his mouth was  "Ah Today is your Birthday? Yes . So what will you use in celebrating with us? Nothing Sir, I am only travelling for business . How much are you travelling with? I quickly told him how much i was travelling with but he was just too slow for my liking . God, did this guy not hear what I said before, I was completely uncomfortable. 'Have you ever experienced the kind of nonsense am going through right now? I just hope I don't do it here, Oga abeg u no hear wetin I talk before? Lord please this immigration officer should just give me my passport, I honestly need to go. OK you can go'.

 Immediately after I scanned my hand luggage I quickly asked the female officer that searched me where the nearest toilet was. The way I even asked her made her laugh. "Madam na way ooo, this thing dey hold you seriously, the toilet is just by the corner, thank you". You needed to have seen the speed I used in rushing to the toilet. As I got into the white house, it felt as if another civil war had started; poooooo came running down my excrete and it scattering all over. Oh my God what did I eat? Am sure it must have been that mama iyabo's moi-moi"bean cake".  I really love that woman's moi-moi "bean cake" but at times it just purges the living daylight out of me.

Finally I am relieved and good to go; but as I was about stepping out, the urge came again. Aaaaah, this time around, it came like a rushing wind. I couldn't hold it all, I went back in again to complete what I thought I had finished. This time around, I was pleading for mercy within me asking God to help close my 'opened tap' as it seemed never to stop. So many noises was I making, I was sure that passerby's would hear the noise no doubt, I didn't mind at all, I just wanted to be set free and be on my way to Abidjan.

The series in the loo didn't seem to end. I could almost hear the administrators on the microphone announcing take off for Abidjan but I cared less. I absolutely felt like I could take a nap in the toilet. It was a sparkling-perfect-clean-sheraton-kind-of-hotel toilet and it amazed me. I mean; How can Nigerian toilet be like this? I couldn't fathom it? I opened my mouth in awe. Usually, I don't sit on the rims when I use public toilets, but with this Airport toilet, just anyone can sit down comfortably, "Please I will not advise you do that ooooooo"

As soon I heard, 'passengers, kindly board as flight 701 is about to take off' , I quickly rushed, washed my hands, dressed up, stepped out of the toilet and cat walked as if nothing happened, trust naija babes, we know how to form. I was inwardly happy that I felt much better; thanks to Federal Airports Authority of Nigeria  (FAAN) toilet, Up Naija! Leggo!