SHOULD I TELL MY FRIEND THAT HER BOYFRIEND IS CHEATING ON HER?

                                

Dear Gusty,

The truth is a few nights ago, my husband confided in me that one of our good friends told him that he'd been cheating on his girlfriend. His girlfriend and I are close. We play Golf together, get our nails done, see "Twilight" movies and giggle like schoolgirls, etc. My husband is torn up about it because he feels really awkward being around this guy now since we spend so much time together double-dating. He only told me what the guy was doing because the girlfriend and I were planning a trip for the four of us and my husband doesn't want to go and pretend that everything is alright.

Besides that, a long time ago, I was cheated on. Like, full on, my boyfriend is sleeping with my best friend kind of cheated on. Ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend secretly hooked up behind my back for an extended period of time and it tore my life apart when I finally found out. As it turns out, a lot of our mutual friends knew that this was going on, turned a blind eye to it, and never told me. Meanwhile, I was planning a life with this man. It took God to get it out of my life, and there are a lot of people I was once close to that I had to cut off in order to regain control of my feelings/relationships.

                               

Now that I know about what's going on, I want to tell the girlfriend. My husband is adamant that I stay out of it because it's between them, but I've been in her shoes, and I wish someone had the guts to have told me what my ex was doing. I don't want my husband to regret telling me, but I also don't want this poor girl to keep planning a life with a man who not only disrespecting her, but counting on the rest of us to keep our mouths closed.

Please what should i do?

Hello Anonymous,

Friendship is an amazing thing. However, it has its drawbacks. One main characteristic of a true friendship is honesty. All of use, thrive, or even request honesty from our friends, but when we get it, sometimes instead of appreciating it, we get angry or even tend to ruin the relationship. Due to this, you can find yourself wrestling with a tough moral dilemma if you know a painful truth about your friend's relationship. If it also bothers you that much, you can convince your husband that you need to tell her the truth. However I will advice you verify the following:

1.       Make sure you are right. If you have seen or heard first-hand (from the cheater or the person s/he is cheating with) then you have actual knowledge that something is going on. Do not trust anything you get second-hand (someone else tells you about it). Find actual evidence or say nothing.

2.       Record or take some snapshots of the action(s). You must have personal, incontrovertible proof of infidelity before you tell your friend anything. If you see it with your own eyes, take a picture if you can. Discreetly use your mobile phone to record a video or to take a photo. If getting a video or a picture is very dangerous for you, then try the last solution which is voice recording. Your mobile phone should have this application too. If all else fails, you may be able to capture a voice recording with your phone.

3.        Talk to your friend's partner. Make the partner understand that you are aware of his or her actions, and you are ready to protect your friend. Tell the partner that you will give him or her until X-time (the time of your choosing, preferably within 24 hours) to confess to your friend, or that you will tell your friend. A relationship requires honesty. Although you want to help, remember firstly this situation is between the two of them. If the partner does not admit to the infidelity, present your evidence. Repeat your offer: "I can't allow you to do this to my friend, it just isn't right. I will wait until Friday night at 8pm, to give the two of you a chance to talk about it together first, but if you haven't told him by then, I will."

4.       Give some hints to your friend. Ask your friend how things are at home. If she/he wants to know why you ask, say, "Has your partner been her/himself with you lately? He/She's been acting a little strange when I've seen her/him lately."

5.       Invite your friend somewhere to have the final talk. Let your friend know that you have something important to talk with him/her about. This will be painful, no matter what the outcome, so try to arrange a meeting in a place that is relatively isolated rather than at a noisy nightclub. A park, the field at school, your house -- all of these things will work well.

6.       Present your evidence. Do not just drop photos in the lap. That is cruel. Instead, if she persists in disbelieving you, let her know that you have some hard proof, and you will show her if she wants to see it. Tell her again that there's no need to upset her with pictures of the third person, because you confirmed it by talking with his/her partner already.

7.        Encourage your friend to go home and discuss it. Don't make yourself the bad person here. There are loads of cases in history where the person who tells the king the bad news is the person who dies first in the war that's about to happen. Tell your friend that this news makes you almost as sad as it makes him, and ask her to try not to take it out on you - but if she does, let her vent her anger on you for a little bit and try not to take it personally. When she's done, gently encourage her to go home and talk to her partner, and see if they can decide what will happen next.

8.       Do what you feel is right. Sometimes in the process we lose a friendship trying to do what's right. The friendship loss can be the result of your friend not being able to accept the truth so she blames the messenger, not the message. You could discover that she already knows the character of her partner, but will stay with regardless. If this is the case with your friend, you must accept that decision and show respect to her partner - even if it is limited to being civil at gatherings and not accepting invitations to do things with them as a couple unless it is in the context of a large group of people.

Cheers!!!