By: Emma Seppala
Many of us have struggled or felt confused in relationships. What does a good partner look like? How can
we be good partners? How can we ensure that our relationship will last long?
In particular, the kinds of questions we ask are about our choices in a
relationship. Should we give our
all or hold back? Should we carefully analyze whether we are “getting back” as
much as we are giving? Should we mostly focus on what we can get out of the
relationship? What is the right way to approach a romantic partnership?
Most of us feel a little lost as to what is best.
Unfortunately, neither in school nor at work have we learned to
answer these important questions. According to Adam Grant,
author of Give
and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success, people fall into one
of three distinct categories: Givers, Matchers and
Takers. Grant’s research provides insight into romantic
relationships. The category you fall into may well determine the success
and happiness of your relationship! As surprising as this may sounds
to some, givers are also usually the most attractive partners and more likely
to have long-term relationships! However, it depends if they are “smart”
givers.
Three Styles of Romantic Partners
Givers are people whose primary motivation is to take
care of others, to make sure others are well, and to contribute to others and
society. In a relationship, these are people who are always thinking about
gifts for their partner, who take their partners’ interests into consideration,
and who are always thinking “What else can I do for you?”. They’re pretty
awesome. As Grant mentions in his book—everyone likes having givers around
because they are always happy to contribute and thinking of others. They
understand the relationship as an opportunity to give and take care.
Givers often end up thinking there is something wrong with them
when they are unhappy in a relationship. They are the ones who think they are
not lovable or good enough because they take personal responsibility for making
the relationship work (rather than blaming their partners). They can end
up burned out and exhausted, from continuously giving at their own
cost if they do not receive the support they need from the relationship.
It is no surprise that givers are so attractive. Several studies
have shown that both men and women rate kindness as one of their most
desired traits. Moreover, givers are also most likely to be affectionate,
a trait which determines the long-term success of a relationship, not
to mention their own longevity.
Matchers tend to keep a balance sheet in a relationship. When
matchers give they do so with an expectation of getting something in
return. When they receive something, they feel like they have to give
something back. Matchers are the ones who are keeping tabs, and view
relationships as somewhat like a commercial transaction. They are the ones who
are most likely to say something like: “I did this for you, but you
didn’t do that for me” or “You paid for this, so I’ll pay for that.”
Takers are just that…takers. They usually treat people well only if
and when those people can help them reach their goals. Interestingly, Grant
points out that they often appear as the most charming
and charismatic people on the surface. They “look” like givers at
first glance. They know how to work the crowd and seduce, but under the surface
they are actually motivated by self-interest. You can recognize a taker by how
poorly they treat people that they believe are of no use to them. You know
you’re in a relationship with a taker when you feel sucked dry for all you have
(whether it’s money, affection, time etc.). Once the taker has everything they
want from you, you may be relegated to the “unimportant” sphere of their life.
Their primary focus is themselves.
So Who is Most Successful and Who is Least Successful?
Research shows that the happiest and most successful partners are
givers. What about those who are least successful? Also givers! Why? Givers who
learn to successfully navigate a world with matchers and takers make out great.
Everyone loves givers, trusts them, and supports them when they are in need. So
why are givers also the least successful? Because some givers don’t know how to
navigate that world and, as a consequence, end up taken advantage of. If you’re
a giver, you’ve been there at least once both professionally and personally.
Imagine a relationship between a giver and a taker? These end up
with the giver completely worn out, having perhaps spent their savings, time
and energy on someone who keeps demanding more and never or scarcely provides
for their partners’ needs (unless they do so temporarily because it behooves
them at that moment).
So what makes a successful giver? One of Grant’s tips that stood
out to me was the idea of being a “giver with awareness.” Awareness of what? Be
aware that the world has givers, matchers and takers. Watch people’s words and
actions, and you will know who is who. When you navigate romantic
relationships, friendships or business partnerships, investigate which category
your potential partner belongs to and don’t get blown away by first-impressions
(as noted above, takers are masters of first-impression charm). Then what? In a
non-romantic situation, you can deal with matchers and takers by adopting a
matcher-like attitude (I know, hard to do for a giver!). Start speaking in
terms of “ok, we have an agreement, you do this and in exchange I will do
this.”
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