Relationships: Closure is Not a Gift

 By:  Brigid Bishop

                                   

                                        

At least once per day, usually much more frequently, I receive calls from clients asking about ex-loves from whom they wish to be given closure. Sometimes it is a freshly broken relationship and quite understandable that they would like to have a logical and mature discussion with their ex as to why the relationship failed, in order to learn from the experience and begin the process of moving on.

There are some clients, however, who are looking to be given closure in situations and relationships that are ancient history, perhaps having ended many months or even years ago. These clients tend to be stuck, unable to move forward in new relationships and forgoing any opportunities to move on by waiting and wondering if they will ever get closure.

They focus on whether or not their ex ever thinks about them, and if so, whether they still love them, even when their ex is obviously involved with someone new! They live in constant anticipation, regardless of how much time has passed, of the old flame making contact and somehow, some way, giving them the closure they need to move forward. This is not only unrealistic, it is downright unhealthy. I find that the clients who have this insatiable need for the gift of closure are holding onto hope that their ex will see what a terrible mistake they made and return to the failed relationship. Some actually believe the relationship still has a chance of resurrecting itself, even if years have gone by.

Closure is not something you are given. It is not a gift.

Yes, some relationships do end with some very clear and defined energies of closure, most have been very long-term and committed in nature, such as marriages and engagements where social expectations are high, but clear-cut closure is the exception in relationships, not the rule.

Closure is something that you take.

In most cases, closure is an experience that you go through alone, not with your ex, but alone. How do you take your closure? There are many ways to do so.

Closure is simply an acceptance that the relationship you once had is now over. You are no longer partners. You are once again two separate entities who are now free to look for a more compatible partner. Closure requires letting go. Some people take their closure once their ex becomes involved with a new love, some take their closure after a month or two of no contact and no attempted reconciliation occurs, some take their closure when they meet someone new and feel a true interest in moving forward with the new person, everyone is different.

The people who never receive closure are the people who sit around waiting for their ex to give it to them. They surrender all of their power to someone who has most likely taken their own closure quite some time ago, waiting for a gift of closure that never comes, from an ex who is long gone.

If you would like closure to your situation, reach out and take it, that's the only way to get it. It's all about acceptance. Accept the change that has occurred, you are not half of a couple, you are an independent individual and you can move forward without hearing, from your ex, all the reasons the relationship failed. Will anything your ex tells you about your breakup really make you feel better? Will it make any more sense to you?

Does knowing with a certainty exactly why your relationship failed make it any easier to move on? Perhaps, but do not waste months or years of your time and energy waiting for something that will likely never come. In my experience, those who have an actual closure conversation rarely feel comforted. Instead they try to argue the points and make their ex see the relationship in a particular way —their way. This is not what moving on looks like.

Instead try to see that you had a relationship that did not work out the way you hoped it would. Think of the positives and negatives of that particular partnership and learn from them. Take the good into your next experience and leave the bad behind. Take your closure and get on with your life! The sooner you do, the happier you will be.