By: Ada
I
honestly really don’t know what to do or say when some of my friends come to me
with all these sex talk and issues in their relationship. Trust me I don’t
even know much but the little I know I guess I might just tell them. Anyway, this issue of mismatched sex drives with one partner wanting sex
a lot more than the other is very common. Generally, the man wants it more than
the woman, but sometimes things are reversed and the woman wants it more than the
man.
The issue usually starts early in the relationship, with the partner
with the lower drive doing her best to keep up.The more he initiates, the more
guilty and inadequate she feels. Soon she feels tense and stressed out whenever
he looks at her a certain way. Whenever he compliments her, she just thinks,
“Oh God you want to do that again, already?!”
The more the
tension builds, the harder it is for her to get in the mood. Eventually she
starts doing things to avoid sex. For instance, she might take a 2-hour-long
shower before bed in hopes that he’ll fall asleep before she towels off.
Then things start to go wrong in the relationship. Maybe he stops
cleaning the house. It could be any number of things. The end result is that
she no longer sees the point of trying to keep up. She says, “Damn it, I only
get horny (once a week, once a month, once a year, never in a million years)
and that’s as often as I’m willing to have sex with the sorry likes of you!”
Now he’s hurt because she never responds to his advances. His
self-esteem takes a beating. He starts to wonder if his package is too small or
whether his gut is too big.His pain eventually turns into anger and he finds
himself saying hurtful things at parties like, “A vagina? What’s that? I’m
married remember? I haven’t seen one of those in years!”
Then she gets
even more irritated and decides to withhold sex for the rest of their
relationship and that’s even if they get married. She gives in every once in a
while, though, because horniness and the desire to procreate can still do that
to the strongest of childless women.
Then a baby comes along and sex goes on an unneeded vacation.
How to Break the Dry Cycle
To turn things around, you only need one thing and
it’s this: you both
need to agree that a sex life is important. Really that’s it. Once you both agree
on that, the rest is as easy as 1-2-3-4-5.
Step 1: Agree on
a sexual frequency that you can both live with. It should be somewhat less
often than the higher drive person wants and somewhat more often than what the
lower drive person wants.
Step 2: Decide whether
you want to schedule sex (my preference) or keep things more spontaneous.
*** If you schedule sex, put it on the calendar and prioritize it.
Nothing gets in the way of your appointment. You can take a rain check for
illness or emergencies, but your rain check needs to fall within the next
couple of days.
*** If you want to be spontaneous, then the partner with the lower drive
needs to initiate according to your predetermined schedule.
Step 3: The higher sexed
partner needs to do everything he can to be patient and supportive. He
cannot initiate ever—no matter how horny he may be. He absolutely has to take
care of business every once in a while when she’s not around. And she needs to
be okay with that. Please note that I define “taking care of business” as
whacking off to porn or a girly mag. I don’t define it as finding another woman
to screw. You open marriage people are free to put your arguments in the
comments area, though. Although I don’t agree with you, I do find your comments
fascinating.
Anyway he can and should express his love and adoration. He should tell
her that she’s hot. He should hug her and snuggle. He should grab her ass every
once in while. These are things that will all make her feel adored and sexy,
both of which are ingredients for getting in the mood. He should not, however,
indicate his interest in having sex by rubbing his boner on her thigh or
pressing it into her back side. This will make her tense up, and then the dry
cycle continues.
Step 4: The lower sexed
partner needs to do everything in her power to get in the mood more often. This
could be as simple as relaxing more often and asking for more support around
the house. It might be as complicated as a visit to the gynecologist to see if
the plumbing is working correctly. And if a bad marriage is getting in the way
of a good sex drive, that needs to be addressed, too.
Step 5: Expand your
definition of sex. It’s possible that the lower sexed person may still feel
inadequate and overwhelmed. In this case, she should look into ways of giving
him a nice sexual experience without feeling the need to orgasm herself. She
might give him oral or manually stimulate him. Whatever. Get creative.
Now, if you are a woman who has a higher drive, this 5-step plan will
still work. Do everything I just said. Of course, you might whack off with a
vibrator (this is one case where women truly have it better than men). You also
have more options in step 5. He can use a toy on you or just hold you while you
get yourself off.
How have you solved the problem of mismatched sex
drives? Please leave a comment.
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