BY: Marina Pearson
"How could you
have done this to me, to us? Who are you and who did I marry?" With tears
in his eyes, my ex-husband shouted and screamed these questions at me on the
day he found out that I'd had an affair. All the while, I stood there shaking,
in shock, not knowing what to say that would make what I had done right. I
was a cheater.
Looking back, I realize that nothing in that moment would
have given him the solace and comfort that he was looking for — or that I was
looking for. His care and love had
been transformed into disdain and hate for the monster I had become to him.
The question that came up repeatedly after our marriage dissolved
was "Why?" Why did I cheat on him? Why would I do such a
thing to a man who was caring, funny and generous? It wasn't like he beat me up
or anything like that.
If
you are reading this and judging me, you are within your rights. No one judged
me more harshly than I did, and even now, although it all turned out for the
best, I wouldn't go down that road again — even though I can completely
understand why any women would.
According to the UK Adultery Survey 2012 by
undercoverlovers.com, cheating women
are more likely to stray as they are seeking emotional fulfillment, an
improvement to their self-esteem and romance. When women cheat
will depend on how fulfilled they feel in their marriages. But according to the
survey, wives who cheat will do so five years into their marriages whereas men
will do so seven years in.
After
much soul-searching, I finally got to understand what drove me to cheat and why
I had stepped into the shoes of cheating women:
1. My mindset.
I was still living in the illusive notion that happiness was something that I
could acquire from an external source, so I bought into a fantasy. It's a
fantasy that I see a lot of my clients buy into, which is that there is a fairy
tale, one-sided man that exists to bring happiness to them. This is just not
true.
Back
then, I bought into the notion that because I wasn't happy that someone else
could dish happiness up on a silver platter. As my ex husband was not able to,
someone else could surely, right? This of course wasn't true and to this day,
still isn't. In fact, the whole ordeal stressed me out and exposed me to more
confusion and unhappiness.
·
Lesson
learned: Being part of
the cheating women club, I understand now that running away from myself was not
the answer and that I am responsible for my own happiness and fulfillment. My happiness is, under no
circumstances, anybody else's responsibility — least of all whoever
I am in a relationship with.
2. The
guilt factor. I honestly believed I was a bad person for thinking that I no
longer fancied my ex husband, so as not to hurt him I kept quiet. I couldn't
find the words to tell him that I no longer found him sexually attractive. I
was scared that he would finally find out that I was that "bad
person" I judged myself to be. Instead of being able to confront him with
my feelings and thoughts that "only bad people" would have, I proved
my own beliefs of being that "bad person" anyway hoping he wouldn't
find out.
In this pattern of thinking, there was a belief that I was
not worthy of someone to love me,
as much as my ex husband did.
·
Lesson
learned: What
I now realize is that our beliefs about how we see ourselves can lead us to do
some crazy things. Why women cheat certainly has become more apparent to me
especially if belief systems are involved, as they can be powerful catalysts
for behavior. By working on myself, I was able to finally overcome this
pattern and now find myself in a loving relationship.
3. Lack of maturity and knowledge. Looking back, I realize now that I
didn't have the maturity or the tools of how to live with the problems that my ex-husband
and I were encountering at the time. We would argue, get upset and as a result,
our communication broke down and so did our intimacy. I didn't know how to
manage the dynamic nor manage my thoughts around them either. Any time we
argued, I honestly believed that he didn't love me. So, I acted out to get my
own back.
·
Lesson
learned: It's
important to keep the communication channels open because once you sense that
they aren't, intimacy can easily slide away from you quickly. Before you know
it you are yearning for it deeply. I have often heard that wives who cheat did
so because of this communication break down, which leads to their frustration
of not feeling heard or understood. It's also important to learn about relationships with
courses or even coaching.
4. The passion
died.
At the time, I remember feeling that the passion had died in our relationship.
I wanted to feel that my ex husband longed for me, that he wanted me and that
he would woo me. Our relationship fell into a day to day routine, taking all
the excitement out of it and the passion died. I wanted to break free from this
and thought that the best way was to do it through a selfish act.
·
Lesson
learned: I
now realize that looking for passion out side of the relationship was only ever
going to be short lived, which in this case it was. Working on what we had —
which was a lot — would have probably been the best option.
All
of these reasons may sound like excuses and you know what? It was a selfish
act. I will be the first to admit it. I could have chosen not to do what I did,
but if I put myself in the shoes of that young girl, at that time, I really
felt that this was the solution.
My overall feeling is that if you are a woman who is
contemplating becoming part of the women cheating club or a
woman who has cheated, then I would ask you to contemplate what it is that is
getting you to think about it and what it was that launched you into action.
I have read a lot around the subject and many articles talk
about how the woman wasn't happy in the relationship, however I would say
that happiness comes from within. You cannot leave that up to anyone else.
I don't regret what I did; as a result of the divorce, my ex gave me the
biggest gift you can give anyone — I finally got to find my happiness from
within.
Marina Pearson is an inspirational speaker, author and the founder
of Divorce Shift, an organization that supports women who are struggling to get
over their ex to move on in a safe and nurturing environment.
No comments:
Post a Comment